Do It Yourself Post Day At AllanShowalter.com

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A vortex of hassles has sucked away both the time and cognition-empowering neurons required for me to complete a coherent note. But fear not; I am consequently (& conveniently) proclaiming today Do It Yourself Post Day at AllanShowalter.com.

I have adapted the outline I had planned to use today to allow you to share in the intellectual and spiritual ecstasy of creating a uniquely personalized version of a AllanShowalter.com Posting, all rights to which, of course, revert exclusively to said Allan Showalter (aka DrHGuy, aka Me). And, today only, I am waiving any and all fees for this momentous experience.

Just follow the instructions, insert the indicated content, and enjoy.

Roll Your Own AllanShowalter.com Post Technique

Infrastructure:

First, construct a framework, comprising equal portions of tragic and comic elements, that is epic in scope but not grandiose, abstruse, or obscure. Into this matrix, weave self-referential parodies of at least one but no more than two conventional literary genres. Alternately, the entire posting could be structured as a contemporary, email version of any of the epistolary novels of Samuel Richardson, Tobias Smollett, Rousseau, or Goethe.

Themes:

Focusing overall on the crystallization of a paradigm-shifting, cohesive set of insights into the human condition, carefully integrate these topics:

  • A brief but not oversimplified sociohistorical explication of Kohutian self-psychology
  • Two potential solutions to the classic theoretical physics problems most commonly known as the Mott Metal-insulator Transition
  • A psycholinguistic analysis of last week’s episode of any of Bravo’s The Real Housewives series
  • A pithy consideration of geopolitically sensitive price fluctuations within the market for salvaged 1997 Chrysler LeBaron parts vis-à-vis the current economic environment with a special focus on the front bumper molding and the tail light cover for the Sebring model.

Tone:

Let’s go for an overall tone of beloved and respectful mutuality between author and reader, delivered in a self-effacing voice that nonetheless bespeaks a quiet, solid confidence in my own identify. Cast then entire piece in clever, witty, and sardonic phrases (taking care not to overshoot into anything that could be mistaken for mean-spirited), studded with unobtrusive but easily decoded sexually provocative connotations. Add just a dollop of non-aggressive, outrageously manic humor leavened by a pervasive Spinozian-tinged subtext of affirmation, itself only modestly and begrudgingly attenuated by a mature recognition of reality,

Extra Credit:

Finally, it would be nice albeit not altogether essential to put together a closing that offers a polished fragment of universal wisdom proffered without a trace of pomposity and motivated solely by a compassion for humanity itself.

Check Your Work

To assure quality control, review the completed post, asking yourself if you experience the following:

  • Intense swells of admiration and astonishment
  • A unprecedented clarity of thinking
  • An yearning to become a AllanShowalter.com disciple

If these reactions are absent or transient, the piece needs more work. Get to it.

On the other hand, if these criteria are met, congratulate yourself for a ghostwriting job well done, sign my name to the byline, enjoy a post-coital smoke, and say a little prayer for me.

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Note: Originally posted Apr 5, 2006 at 1HeckOfAGuy.com, a predecessor of AllanShowalter.com

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