A vortex of hassles has sucked away both the time and cognition-empowering neurons required for me to complete a coherent note. But fear not; I am consequently (& conveniently) proclaiming today Do It Yourself Post Day at AllanShowalter.com.
I have adapted the outline I had planned to use today to allow you to share in the intellectual and spiritual ecstasy of creating a uniquely personalized version of a AllanShowalter.com Posting, all rights to which, of course, revert exclusively to said Allan Showalter (aka DrHGuy, aka Me). And, today only, I am waiving any and all fees for this momentous experience.
Just follow the instructions, insert the indicated content, and enjoy.
Roll Your Own AllanShowalter.com Post Technique
First, construct a framework, comprising equal portions of tragic and comic elements, that is epic in scope but not grandiose, abstruse, or obscure. Into this matrix, weave self-referential parodies of at least one but no more than two conventional literary genres. Alternately, the entire posting could be structured as a contemporary, email version of any of the epistolary novels of Samuel Richardson, Tobias Smollett, Rousseau, or Goethe.
Focusing overall on the crystallization of a paradigm-shifting, cohesive set of insights into the human condition, carefully integrate these topics:
- A brief but not oversimplified sociohistorical explication of Kohutian self-psychology
- Two potential solutions to the classic theoretical physics problems most commonly known as the Mott Metal-insulator Transition
- A psycholinguistic analysis of last week’s episode of any of Bravo’s The Real Housewives series
- A pithy consideration of geopolitically sensitive price fluctuations within the market for salvaged 1997 Chrysler LeBaron parts vis-à-vis the current economic environment with a special focus on the front bumper molding and the tail light cover for the Sebring model.
Let’s go for an overall tone of beloved and respectful mutuality between author and reader, delivered in a self-effacing voice that nonetheless bespeaks a quiet, solid confidence in my own identify. Cast then entire piece in clever, witty, and sardonic phrases (taking care not to overshoot into anything that could be mistaken for mean-spirited), studded with unobtrusive but easily decoded sexually provocative connotations. Add just a dollop of non-aggressive, outrageously manic humor leavened by a pervasive Spinozian-tinged subtext of affirmation, itself only modestly and begrudgingly attenuated by a mature recognition of reality,
Finally, it would be nice albeit not altogether essential to put together a closing that offers a polished fragment of universal wisdom proffered without a trace of pomposity and motivated solely by a compassion for humanity itself.
Check Your Work
To assure quality control, review the completed post, asking yourself if you experience the following:
- Intense swells of admiration and astonishment
- A unprecedented clarity of thinking
- An yearning to become a AllanShowalter.com disciple
If these reactions are absent or transient, the piece needs more work. Get to it.
On the other hand, if these criteria are met, congratulate yourself for a ghostwriting job well done, sign my name to the byline, enjoy a post-coital smoke, and say a little prayer for me.
Note: Originally posted Apr 5, 2006 at 1HeckOfAGuy.com, a predecessor of AllanShowalter.com