I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock & Roll — Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs

Allan Showalter

Hilton Head Matrimonial Report

Highlighting the DrHGuy & Associates Vacation version of the 2007 Hilton Head Annual Vacation and  Social Season is the engagement of Very Very Good Girl1 to SportsBizPro, the good-looking gent pictured above with his arm wrapped around the bride to be.

As his blogonym suggests, SportsBizPro works in the field of sports accouterments, assuring that 7-17 year old soccer players of the Northeast United States are attired and shod in equipment that is both conducive to effective play and spiffy in appearance. He is also, poor baby, obligated to entertain corporate clients at various professional and world class sports events. Very Very Good Girl, one should not be surprised to learn, is employed as a hospital social worker, a role which has yet to require her attendance at a major sporting event.

The Very Very Good Girl-SportsBizPro Wedding and DrHGuy

DrHGuy is, of course, no stranger to wedding planning, albeit with a specialized perspective that has been compared by some to sophisticated protection schemes.2 Thanks to the magic of the internet, work on the nuptial logistics has already begun during this vacation period, and, in fact, the date and venue of the ceremony have been set, opening a window of opportunity for DrHGuy to transform the impending event from a routine wedding to a tasteful extravaganza of delightful delectations – and monetarize the occasion in the process.

DrHGuy’s first efforts, alas, have been unrequited. Both bride and groom remain obstinately resistant to proposals for a full-fledged Broadway dance number performed by the wedding party – the kind of thing that these days is little more than the wedding couple’s minimum societal obligation.3

Even when offered an alternative to the Thriller dance routine has become a matrimonial cliche (entering “wedding” and “thriller” at Youtube produces 76 results, one of which has been viewed almost 2,000,000 times), Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro remain unconvinced of the drawing power of such a finale. Imagine, gentle reader, the shock and awe that would result from viewing the bride, maid of honor, and bridesmaids, inspired by the big scene in “The Full Monty,” revolving acrobatically around poles strategically placed throughout the chapel to the strains of the Joe Cocker version of You Can Leave Your Hat On, attended by groomsmen clad in lime green and crimson pimp costumes.

Yet, these and similarly meritorious recommendations continue to be rebuffed.

Leading a cultural renaissance can be a lonely job.

We are, however, negotiating the licensing rights. If successful, these talks would lead to the Heck Of A Guy Blog serving as the exclusive vendor of the wedding’s official line of logo-emblazoned merchandise:4

  • T-shirts, Mugs, Thongs
  • The Marriage Music CD
    Vol 1: From Dating to Consummation
    Vol 2: Honeymoon and Beyond
  • Tattoos
  • Commemorative Condoms
  • Lingerie
  • High Quality Leather-, Rubber-, and Vinylwear
  • Sex Toys and Tools

Also See

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  1. Very Very Good Girl is the daughter of Duke of Derm and Princess of Peds as well as sister of Lt At 14 [↩]
  2. See Wedding Protection [↩]
  3. See, for example, Wedding Thriller Dance, Dirty Dancing UK – Julia and James First Dance, and Wedding Breakdance. [↩]
  4. Names and orders from this gift registry  are fully encrypted, items  are shipped in plain brown paper only to PO  boxes. All implements are covered by a money-back guarantee should any item be deemed illegal for use in the state of residence. [↩]