The Most Chocolodka Time Of The Year
Over the years, I have explored, as I am wont to do, the sleigh path less traveled to holiday revelry, and, not being the kind of chap to keep such joyfulness to himself, I share with readers my favorite Yuletide embellishments.
Chief among these tidings of joy is welcoming the Season Of Chocolodka. a time which offers hope to the weary masses and solace to all humankind.
The Chocolate Vodka Concept
Ogden Nash, who knew his way around an aphorism, was onto something when he succinctly observed that
Candy is dandy,
But liquor is quicker
Nonetheless, I would hold that the justly esteemed Mr. Nash did not, tragically, explore the full range of options and, consequently his well intended advisory couplet implicitly forces a fallacious one-option-or-the-other-but-not-both choice that, in turn, deplorably excludes from the armamentarium of seduction the liquid joyfulness produced by the skillful blending of candy and liquor.
Gentle reader, would your life be enhanced by an elixir that
- Is intoxicatingly delicious and deliciously intoxicating?
- Makes any event an occasion and any occasion an event – occasionally or eventually?
- Convinces your sweetie that making snow angels naked while you videotape the event qualifies as madcap merriment?
- Persuades you and perhaps even other elixir-ingesting individuals that you are a fuuuuuuunnnnn sort of guy or gal?
- Infuses your hitherto empty, barren life with meaning, love, and joy?
Well, Bunkie, if you’ll settle for four out of five, then I’ve got just the thing for you, a little something I like to think of as
If one goes a-Googling, many variations on the chocolate vodka theme can be found. The Heck Of A Guy staff, after extensive research, summarizes the situation thusly:
Given that the basic constituents are nature’s two most perfect foods, vodka and chocolate, it’s not surprising that all manner of varieties and proportions of these ingredients can be commingled in various combinations and permutations to produce potions with tastes that range from tolerable to vaguely pleasant. Consequently, it is understandable, albeit no less lamentable, that those folks who, for example, choose different chocolate sources (such as Galaxy Bars) than that designated by the Heck Of A Guy formula, use lesser amounts of chocolate, or opt (and, in acknowledgment of the retired-from-column-writing Dave Barry, I am not making this up) to pollute otherwise acceptable vodka with jellybeans rather than chocolate, may sincerely believe their creations have merit, and it is only with profound regret that we condemn such heresies.
A video featuring Dr Heck’s entourage, including the Duchess, Princess of Peds, Hippie With Tiara, Duke of Derm, & Lord of Leisure, is embedded below.
How To Make The Original Chocolodka
Video by Allan Showalter
To correctly produce this delectable concoction, you’ll need:
1. Four 47-gram Cadbury’s Dairy Milk with Caramel Bars
There are other formulations for generic versions of chocolate flavored vodka that call for other brands or amounts of candies but Cadbury’s Dairy Milk with Caramel Bars are the official Heck Of A Guy Chocolodka Chocolate because they consistently produce a (subjectively judged) tastier result. These sweets are not available at your local vending machine or the candy counter at the Texaco station down the road.
They may, however, be ordered from a number of internet retailers who handle English goods; these sites can be found by Googling this group of terms (without the brackets): [“Cadbury caramel” “United States” British shopping]
Take care not to order Cadbury Caramel Eggs, Cadbury Caramel Tree Novelties, Cadbury Caramel Funsize, Cadbury Caramel Bunnies, or Cadbury Caramel Fingers, all of which are no doubt delish but are composed of suboptimal proportions of caramel and chocolate.
2. A Three-quarters (¾) Full 750 mL Bottle Of Vodka1
After extensive experimentation, I’ve determined there is no need to go all Grey Goose on this; the operational inclusive criterion is that if the vodka is legal to sell in any of these United States without a prescription, it qualifies for this enterprise. I do, however, recommend eschewing any alcoholic spirits sold in a mason jar with “Joe Bob’s Damn Good Vodka” written across the front in Magic Marker.
Be aware that the DrHGuy-blessed recipe produces a supersaturated chocolate solution such that a properly prepared bottle of Chocolodka will contain visible particles of chocolate that are discernible when they tumble onto ones tongue and palate, triggering intense bursts of flavor. IMHO, this is a wondrous phenomenon reminiscent of the chocolate & milk sludge at the bottom of a glass of Nestlé’s Quick that DrGuy enjoyed as a child. If you prefer a silky smooth drink – well, this ain’t it.
Obviously,3 the first step is someone sucking down ¼ bottle of vodka. While alternative means of removing the excess liquor may theoretically exist, personal consumption bespeaks a dedication to the mission & certainly enhances the likelihood of the project’s success. This is best accomplished in two consecutive motions as pictured below:
The Chocolate Vodka Swing
And The Follow-through
Repeat As Necessary
At least two methodologies exist for melting the chocolate:
Option #1: A smart, knowledgeable, experienced cook will obtain a bain-marie (which, if that persnickety young lady at Williams-Sonoma can be believed, is apparently NOT a marital aid),
The resulting chocolate liquid is poured into the vodka bottle, and shaken vigorously.
Simultaneously playing the Jerry Lee Lewis version of A Whole Lot Of Shaking Going On, while optional, is held by some to be a useful adjunct to this effort. Alternatively, one can emulate the spirit and energy of the rapturous young woman on the cover of the 1981 Cars single,4 Shake It Up although her flamboyant methodology appears more entertaining than functional.
Option #2: My personally preferred technique – and thus one easily distinguished from the “smart cook” process – follows: Examine the Cadbury’s Caramel candy bars (accept no substitutes), noting that each bar has been factory-configured as a series of connected rectangles. Break the candy bars into these constituent rectangles.
Force the individual pieces created from the deconstructed candy bar through the neck of the bottle of vodka (I’ve found it most efficient to take the lid off first).
The truly sophisticated cook may, in fact, wish to chop the candy bars into even smaller pieces which can be easily dumped – with little or not force needed – into the bottle.
Once the candy bar fragments are safely ensconced in the bottle, screw the lid back on rather firmly. Place the bottle in the dishwasher the next time you run a load of dishes.
As it turns out, it’s important in this instance not to confuse “dishwasher” with “clothes washer” because these implements, despite their many functional similarities, are not interchangeable, and the former offers distinct advantages over the latter in the brewing of Chocolodka . Trust me on this one.
Run the dishwasher’s regular cycle, including drying. Do not use an “economy” or “air-dry” setting.
When the wash cycle is finished, give the bottle a shake or two and check out the contents, which should have the consistency of an especially thick milkshake.
Allow the solution to cool before opening. Just as your 8th grade science teacher tried to teach you, alcohol transforms from a liquid to a vapor at higher temperatures; consequently, opening the hot Chocolodka solution will allow a quantity of alcohol, in the form of a gas, to escape, never to return. Be patient, grasshopper.
When you do open it, take a moment to inhale a whiff; you will be impressed.
In the classic, purist presentation, Chocolodka is served chilled. If you’re feeling especially decadent, add a dollop of whipped cream If you’re feeling really, really decadent… well, forget that – that’s how superegos get dissolved & the unclad construction of snow angels gets started.
In any format, the concoction is chocolicious (not to mention vodkalicious) and loads better than any of the commercially available chocolate & alcohol combos.
The Quintessential Chocolate Vodka – Chocolodka
Consume, enjoy, repeat …
Originally posted Apr 18, 2006 at 1HeckOfAGuy.com, a predecessor of AllanShowalter.com. Some elements have been updated.
- The arithmetically rigid might think that “¾ of a 750 mL bottle” would be identical to “¾ of a fifth,” but this turns out to be one of those “your mileage may vary” things, especially if the calculations take place while one is brewing the second bottle of Chocolodka after liberally sampling the first batch; in any case, manipulating fractions doesn’t seem the kind of family activity likely to become an treasured tradition. [↩]
- DrHGuy wishes to express appreciation for the talents and time of the Kansas City-based Lord of Leisure and Hippie With Tiara, who, along with the indefatigable Lady Lawanda, not only executed the Chocolodka recipe for memorialization in this blog but, with an assist from the visiting couple’s son and daughter-in-law-to-be, also taste-tested the entire quantity thus produced. [↩]
- Well, it’s obvious to me [↩]
- Single: A phonograph record … having one song on each side.” American Heritage Dictionary. Post-boomers, ask your parents. By the way, Cruiser was the B side [↩]