Post-Nuptial Post + Steve Goodman’s “Lincoln Park Pirates”


Rearranging schedules, purchasing wedding-appropriate garments for Da Boyz, herding those selfsame offspring into the car wearing said duds, and negotiating Saturday afternoon traffic that transformed a one hour jaunt into a 90 minute death march were trivial hurdles on our quest to observe Ben & Delaina’s connubial certification (see Delaina & Ben – Going To The Chapel) yesterday. [At time of original posting: Oct 22, 2006]

Discovering that Mesomorph’s single pair of dress shoes was, for reasons still unclear to me, sans shoestrings was so within the expected range of hassles that the tic over my left eye didn’t even kick in. My flinch triggered by Prodigal’s spontaneous announcement that his continued cooperation depended exclusively upon the availability of fried chicken at the reception was imperceptible.

The true test of our commitment to the occasion was presented in the form of the parking permits, which included a notation urging drivers to display the document prominently, followed by the literal and figurative bottom line that began “Lincoln Towing” and ended with, the incredibly superfluous words, “will not negotiate.” As Steve Goodman put it, in the chorus of The Lincoln Park Pirates,

To me, way, hey, tow them away,
The Lincoln Park Pirates are we,
From Wilmette to Gary, there’s nothin’ so hairy
And we always collect our fee!
So it’s way, hey, tow ’em away,
We plunder the streets of your town,
Be it Edsel or Chevy, there’s no car too heavy,
And no one can make us shut down.



Recklessly surmounting this last challenge, we ventured forth to witness what is today officially a done deal. Ben, who by my calculations can be no more than 14 years old, is now a married man. Both bride and groom were radiant and were downright impressive as they nailed the responses to the “Do you take this … ” ceremonial queries.

Mr. Science & Hippie With Tiara, Ben’s parents and my buddies, appeared to survive intact. Their home town (Kansas City) contingent of family and friends was convivial – if, by convivial, one includes behaving in a loud, lewd, and lascivious manner.1 Alcohol, I am reliably informed, was consumed, propositions were proposed, gambling, I believe, was discussed, and the unshod foot of Ms Lawanda, who had bravely crawled from her convalescent’s bed to join the festivities, was found in the lap of the gentleman seated next to her – twice. The debauchery no doubt escalated, but our little entourage fled the scene before the full-force orgy erupted.

Da Boyz, incidentally, looked quite slick in blazers and slacks and were suspiciously well-behaved.


  1. Unlike Las Vegas, anything that happens in Chicago is pretty much broadcast everywhere. []